The Now Habit - Neil Fiore

The Now Habit

Livre sur le Dialogue intérieur

Highlights

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Repeated over and over again, a “have to” statement communicates to your subconscious mind• I don’t want to do it.• They’re making me do it against my will.• I have to do it or else!—something awful and terrible will happen. I will hate myself.• This is a no-win situation: if I don’t do it I’ll be punished; if I do it I’ll be going against myself.

These messages create enormous feelings of outside pressure and of being a helpless victim—conditions ripe for the defensive use of procrastination. Given your healthy need to protect yourself, there  will inevitably be ambivalence, resentment, and resistance to tasks that commence with “I have to.”

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Attempting to deal with all the messages implicit in “I have to,” your brain must simultaneously tackle two conflicting situations: providing the energy needed for the imposed task, and providing the energy to resist threats to the integrity of the self—threats to survival. And your body, being a faithful servant, reacts to this “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” message with either the stress response (by providing high energy for “fight or flight”) or the depressive response (by conserving energy for survival). But your energy can’t go in two directions at once, nor can your mind focus on two problems. While you decide whether this is an issue of fighting for your freedom or one of tackling a job, your mind and body are frozen in procrastination caused by ambivalent and conflicting messages.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

With the confusion of the “have to” message, you’re stuck—mentally, physically, and emotionally. Attempting to resolve being stuck by adding pressure through discipline or specters of terrible catastrophes will only make matters worse. These things only confirm the impression that the task is awful and painful—one you wouldn’t do if you had a free choice. This feeling is similar to what it was like when, as a child, you were told by those who controlled your food, shelter, and self-image that you had to do something you didn’t want to do. All of us know the feeling of ambivalence, pressure, and threat, and the resentment and resistance that go with them. Yet we continue to talk to ourselves as if part of us is like that child who must respond to another part that speaks in the tone of the threatening parent.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

When I first met with Betty we needed to act fast. The annual report was already overdue and she was quite depressed and thinking about  quitting her job. While Betty was very competent in her job as administrator for a large insurance company, she hated doing the annual report. Each year she would waste considerable time before deciding when she would start. For weeks she could be heard complaining, “I have to do the annual report.” “I should be working on the annual report.” “I want to go out to lunch with you, but I have to complete the annual report.” It was clear to everyone that Betty felt like a victim of something she hated doing. Whenever the annual report was due, her usual energy and cheerfulness would be replaced by a depressed and haggard look. Her back would become bent as if under a great burden and she would suffer from considerable fatigue, muscle tension, and insomnia. Life appeared to be one large “have to” without freedom or fun.

To get some immediate results and to snap out of her feelings of helplessness and victimhood, Betty needed to change her attitude while in the very situation where she was most likely to procrastinate. “As far as I am concerned,” I told her, “you don’t have to do anything to be a worthwhile person. If you’re going to do it, however, you might as well choose to do it with full responsibility for the consequences

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Every ‘I have to’ needs to be replaced with an adult decision about how you will begin the project or how you will explain to your boss that you will not do it.” She began after that first session to challenge every “I have to” with a decision—a clear choice that she made as a mature adult.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

For many of us, the blame and guilt of the procrastination pattern is linked with the language of “shoulds.” Should for procrastinators has lost its original meaning: “I dislike the way things are, and I’m going to do something about it.” Instead it has come to mean “I’m angry and disappointed about the way things are (that is, different than you think it should be), and I’m going to complain and feel badly.”

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

The self-talk of “should” has the same negative effect as setting counterproductive goals, envying others, and longing for the future. Each creates the following negative, self-critical comparisons:• “Should be different” compares an imagined ideal state with a current negative reality.• “Should be done” compares the finished point with a bad or negative starting point.• “Should be like him/her” compares a person you envy or admire with a bad, inadequate self.• “Should be there” compares an imagined blissful future with where you are now.

Repeated throughout your day, “should’s” become a counterproductive chant that programs the mind with the negative subliminal message “I’m bad. Where I am is bad. Life is bad. My level of progress is bad. Nothing is the way it should be.”

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

I’m not saying that ideals and goals aren’t worth striving for. What I am saying is that “should’s” create negative comparisons without indicating how to get from where you are to where you’d like to be. “Have to’s” and “should’s” do not communicate to the mind and body a clear picture of:• what you choose to do• when you choose to do it• where you choose to start it• how you choose to do it

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Just as the “have to’s” will elicit stress, the “should’s” will elicit depression

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Just count the number of times you think “should” or “shouldn’t” within a ten-minute period, and you will have a good estimate of your degree of depression.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

As you begin to speak to yourself in a language that focuses on results rather than blame, on choice rather than have to, on what is rather than what you think should be, you will find that your body and mind cooperate by providing a level of positive energy free from the unnecessary struggles of the past and negative comparisons with the future.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

I taught him how to catch the early signs of depression about lost opportunities, reminding himself to say, “Yes, they’re in the past. Too bad; nothing I can do now about that. But what can I do now?” He then practiced rapidly turning his attention toward one, small corrective step he could take in the present moment. Don also learned to turn the stuck energy and worry about future “should’s” into constructive effort by asking himself, “When is the next time I can start working toward that goal?” By talking to himself in ways that disrupted his old patterns, Don became very efficient in diverting self-criticism and depression about the impossible toward something constructive that he could accomplish.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

To become more productive and efficient, you’ll want to clearly communicate to yourself what you choose to do, and when and where you will carry out your commitment to start.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

fear of success—the type caused by anticipating that your reward for hard work is even harder work.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Watching those men who showed ambivalence on leaving the plane and hearing their bodies thump against the bulkhead helped me make my first choice: “I’m not leaving the plane that way,” I said to myself. That’s when I discovered the power of choice—a third place that is neither “have to” or “want to.” That discovery freed me to move forward to make two other choices: 1) I’m not going to be kicked out of this plane; and 2) If I’m going to leave this plane, it will be under my own power. I’m going to maximize my chances of a safe exit. The change in my feelings at that moment was quite dramatic. Stress was replaced with purposeful action; a sense of victimhood was transformed into empowerment.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

what has become more important to me over the years is the lesson of empowerment that comes from changing a “have to” into a choice.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

You don’t have to jump out of airplanes, get sick, or become pregnant to experience this powerful change in perspective. In your everyday activities, listen to how images of passivity and powerlessness are created by your negative self-talk: “I have to work through lunch; I have to get gas for the car; I have to buy a gift for my mother; I have to go to the office party.” Exercising your power of choice will give you the opportunity to redirect toward constructive effort the energy formerly blocked by feelings of victimhood and resistance.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Even when the choices are rotten ones, you can exercise your power of choice and learn to embrace the path that makes the most sense to you. And precisely because you have chosen to do it, it becomes less difficult, less painful, and more quickly accomplished. Whenever you catch yourself losing motivation on a project, look for the implicit “have to” in your thinking and make a decision at that moment to embrace the path—as it is, not the way you think it should be—or let go of it. It’s your choice.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Children during their “terrible two’s” learn to say no to almost everything. This is part of their cognitive and personality development—the development of a self separate from parents

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

A direct and maturely stated “No” clears the air much more quickly than a passive “Yes, I guess I have to” that you then resent and rebel against by procrastinating

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

For procrastinators especially, the ability to say no is a powerful tool for exercising choice. Saying no is another way of saying, “I may  be imperfect, but I have enough self-respect to say, ‘No, I don’t have to.’ ”

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

It’s a way of asserting “I know you can pressure me, but you cannot threaten my sense of worth.” “No” can be used assertively and nondefensively, as in:• “No, I’ll need time to think about that.”• “No, I am not as quick as you, and I want time to give it the thoughtful consideration it deserves.”• “No, I would rather have a contract with terms I know I can wholeheartedly embrace than endanger the quality of my work by compromising.”• “No, I will not be paying that bill now, and I’m willing to pay for the privilege by incurring your interest charges.”

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

the ability to say no is an essential step toward having a greater range of possibilities in working on any task and in changing from a procrastinator to an effective producer

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

After years of study and a thorough examination of my own procrastination and that of my coaching and therapy clients, I have identified five negative attitudes or self-statements that lead to procrastination and distinguish procrastinators from producers

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

4. Negative Thinking of “I have to.” Repeated throughout your day, the phrase “I have to” (meaning “I have to, but I don’t want to”) will give you a sense of ambivalence and victimization (“I have to, but if I were powerful I wouldn’t”) that justifies procrastination. Having identified this self-statement and the attitude of victimhood that underlies it, you’ll want to quickly challenge it with a statement of choice and an attitude of empowerment.

5. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Replace “I have to” with “I choose to.”

The language, attitudes, and behaviors of producers can be acquired through specific, on-the-job practice. For example, if you’re at your desk looking at a pile of unanswered mail and a list of unreturned telephone calls, the first thing you may notice is that your shoulders begin to droop forward in a depressed, burdened fashion. This is a clear signal that, even if you haven’t heard yourself say, “I have to,” you feel victimized rather than responsible and powerful. At that moment of awareness, immediately choose to work or accept responsibility for choosing to delay. Use your awareness of a negative thought or attitude to reflexively shift you to the producer’s attitude of choice and power.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

4. Negative Thinking of “I must finish.” Telling yourself “I must finish” keeps you focused on the completed product somewhere in the future, without ever telling you where to  start. “Finishing” is in the vague distance, a long way from where you may be now in terms of skills, confidence, and perspective. This focus will make the task seem even more overwhelming, almost impossible. It needs to be challenged and replaced with a solid commitment to starting now.

Replace “I must finish” with “When can I start?”

“When can I start?” is the catchphrase of the producer. It automatically follows any worries about finishing and being overwhelmed, and replaces agitated energy with a clear focus on what can be tackled now. It works like a feedback device that pushes any wavering focus back to the starting point of the project. And when it is impossible to start now, “When is the next time I can start?” works to preprogram you for a directed and easy start-up in the near future, with a clear picture of when, where, and on what you will be starting.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

4. Negative Thinking of “This project is so big and important.”

The feeling of being overwhelmed is made worse by thinking of a project as large and important. What you are really saying is, “I don’t see how I can tackle such a huge task. This is very important. This project has to impress everyone. This is my one big chance in life.”

The bigger and more overwhelming the project seems to you, the greater your tendency to procrastinate. Anxiety will replace the natural tendency toward motivation and curiosity as you overwhelm yourself with all the steps involved and the image of all that’s at stake on this one important project.

Replace “This project is so big and important” with  “I can take one small step.”

Whenever you begin to feel overwhelmed by the large, grand project that looms before you, remind yourself, “I can take one small step. One small step; one rough, rough draft; one imperfect sketch; one small hello. That’s all I need to do now.” You can never build a house all at once. All you can do now is pour the concrete for the foundation; hammer one nail; raise a wall—one small step at a time

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

4. Negative Thinking of “I must be perfect.” Telling yourself “I must be perfect, I couldn’t stand it if I made a mistake” will greatly increase the chances that you’ll need procrastination to buffer you against the pain of failure and criticism. It also means that part of your self-talk is centered around condemning any small steps of progress as being insignificant compared with what you think they should be. If you demand of yourself a perfect presentation, a project that is beyond criticism, perfect adherence to a diet, or a spotless home, you are setting yourself up for defeat and inevitable self-criticism. The more perfectionist and self-critical you are, the harder it is to start on a project that you already know will never be quite good  enough. Holding on to an image of perfection will make you afraid of seeing what your real product will look like, it will keep you from preparing for failure with a plan that helps you bounce back, and it will increase your tendency to abandon your project when confronted with a normal problem in the developmental process. Ironically, being a perfectionist and criticizing yourself about mistakes makes failures more likely and worse.

Replace “I must be perfect” with “I can be perfectly human.”

Replace demands for perfect work with acceptance of (not resignation to) your human limits. Accept so-called mistakes (really feedback) as part of a natural learning process. You need self-compassion rather than self-criticism to support your courageous efforts at facing the unavoidable risks of doing real, imperfect work rather than dreaming of the perfect, completed project. You’ll want to be especially gentle with yourself as you recognize that, as a novice, you must go through awkward first steps before you achieve the assurance of a master. As you learn to expect and accept imperfect early steps on your projects, you’ll build in the persistence of a producer, and you’ll be better prepared to bounce back because you’ll have a safety net of compassion.

For procrastinators blocked by an addiction to perfectionism, I often recommend a direct attack to unlearn this insidious pattern. Try to be imperfect. Intentionally do the first part of your project sloppily (don’t show it to your boss yet); do it fast and inadequately.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

4. Negative Thinking of “I don’t have time to play.”  Statements such as “I’ve got to work all weekend,” “I’m sorry I can’t join you, I have to finish this project,” “I’m busy tonight, I’m working under a deadline” will make you feel the resentment toward your work that comes from long periods of deprivation and isolation. Repeating these statements creates the feeling of having a life of obligation and demands that cause you to miss the things other people enjoy in life.Replace “I don’t have time to play” with “I must take time to play.”

Insisting on your regular time for exercise, for dinners with friends, for frequent breaks throughout your day, and for frequent vacations throughout your year increases the feelings of inner worth and respect for yourself that are at the heart of unlearning the need for procrastination. Knowing that you have something to look forward to in the near future—a firm commitment to recreation and time with friends—lessens the dread of difficult work

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

your quality work increases the enjoyment of your proudly earned guilt-free play. And reinforcing small steps with frequent rewards will increase the likelihood of consistent progress.

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

The counterproductive self-statements of the procrastinator join together into “I have to finish something big and do it perfectly while working hard for long periods of time without time to play.” What you need to do is to challenge and reprogram that confusing and counterproductive statement with the powerful focus of a producer:

“I choose to start on one small step, knowing I have plenty of time for play.”

3. • HOW TO TALK TO YOURSELF

Fortunately, you don’t have to wait until you have completely stopped your negative thoughts and self-statements to change your behavior. Instead, you can use your awareness of the old pattern to alert you to choose a more effective path. It’s as if you are the switchman on the railroad: a locomotive barreling down the track crosses a trigger point that signals you to divert the engine to another track.

Each time you choose to switch your energy from your procrastination self-talk to the language of the producer, you are wiring in a new track of brain cells—a new neural pathway in your brain. After you switch from the old path to the new several times, the new associations will strengthen, becoming easier to initiate, while the old ones will atrophy. Each time you make a conscious decision to create safety for yourself and to speak the language of the producer, you will be unlearning the habits of a procrastinator while strengthening the new healthy habits of a producer.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

The Now Habit perspective does not accept that laziness, disorganization, or any other character defect is the reason you procrastinate. Nor does it accept the assumption that people in general are innately lazy, and therefore need pressure to motivate them.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

in Anatomy of an Illness and The Healing Heart, the late Norman Cousins informs us that modern medicine has virtually ignored the positive aspects of the body’s resilient healing system, preferring to focus on disease.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

we procrastinate when we fear a threat to our sense of worth and independence. We only act lazy when our natural drive for fruitful activity is threatened or suppressed.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

humor and positive emotions and thoughts have healing potential.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

it is the fear of failure, the fear of being imperfect (perfectionism), and the fear of impossible expectations (being overwhelmed) that prevent us from acting on and attaining humanly possible goals and relationships.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

Having a fear of failure means you believe that even the smallest error could be evidence that you are a worthless and awful person

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

Having a fear of being imperfect means that it is difficult for you to accept yourself as you are—imperfect and, therefore, perfectly human—and so you interpret any criticism, rejection, or judgment by others as a threat to your very tenuous grasp on perfection

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

Having a fear of impossible expectations means fearing that even after you’ve worked hard and achieved the goals set for you, your only reward will be continually higher and more difficult goals to achieve, with no rest and no time to savor your achievements.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

These fears, Dr. Rubin says, keep us from reaching a level of life  where we feel compassion and respect ourselves now—for who and where we are now. This compassion for ourselves is essential in overcoming the underlying causes of procrastination.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

procrastination is not a character defect; rather, it is an attempt—albeit an unsatisfactory one—at coping with the often incapacitating fear of having our worth held up for judgment.

1. • WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

The fear of judgment is the key fear that stems from over-identifying who you are, your worth as a person, with your work. From this fear follows the counterproductive drive toward perfectionism, severe self-criticism, and the fear that you must deprive yourself of leisure time in order to satisfy some unseen judge.

2. • HOW WE PROCRASTINATE

Just observe yourself objectively, like an anthropologist who records the behavior and rituals of a foreign culture without making judgments. Don’t judge yourself or analyze your behavior. For now, just concentrate on becoming aware of your current behavior patterns.

Observe where your time is going. What are you doing when you’re really productive? And note how that differs from those times when you are busy but producing nothing.

2. • HOW WE PROCRASTINATE

Difficulties in gauging how much time it takes to complete a project, to travel across town, or to make it to a meeting on time are often part of procrastination

2. • HOW WE PROCRASTINATE

Realistic time management and a structure for focusing on commitments are necessary tools for making the transformation from procrastination to productivity.

2. • HOW WE PROCRASTINATE

If you find yourself chronically late, overwhelmed with details, surprised by deadlines, procrastinating on dozens of projects, and with insufficient time for recreation and relationships, you have a time-management problem.

2. • HOW WE PROCRASTINATE

Keeping an inventory for three days of every waking activity is a way to gain control over where your time goes. Notice the total time spent on each activity. Then, through dividing that total by three, you arrive at an estimate of the average daily amount of time spent on each activity. Lawyers, architects, consultants, and other professionals use a similar procedure in determining the number of “billable hours” worked for each client.

Bookmarks